3 Weeks to Welcome 2017

Hey peeps! 2016 dah nak berakhir. How's my 2016? Bittersweet I say.. 

Started with lots of sweetness and end with bitter (excessive).

Tapi I still thankful utk semua memories.

I dapat rasa sesuatu yang dah lama tak rasai.

I dapat satu kebahagian walaupun seketika.

I dapat satu harapan walaupun akhirnya musnah.

At least I dapat merasai and I was sincere.

I've been thinking what should I change and what should I do in 2017.
The things that I scare is all the memories of new year 2016 comes back.
With my birthday coming up, everything gets clearer and I fall into the past.
I hate that. I don't want to stay in the past but somehow it's kinda hard for me to move on.
I'm lucky to have a strong mind that able to block all the sadness that I've felt that day.
Somehow no tears the next day. Smiling and laughing. As if there's nothing happen.
My brain able to suppress all the sadness within me.
The third day, I tried to test myself if there's tears but nope I end up laughing.
Despite that, my body suffer a little. Rejects all the food coming in.
It's like my state of mind is fine but not my body.
I really felt hungry and wanted to eat. But end up vomit.
Masuk satu sudu terus kuar balik. The food tak nak go thru tekak.
Tapi I still paksa walaupun masuk keluar masuk keluar.
Few days I was damn hungry. But it last till one week jek.
Slowly my tekak accepting food as a few matters occur during that period.
And slowly I do felt a little relieve.
Now? I can't say that I'm fine cause actually I know I don't.
I'll be dead meat if I see him one day. All the suppress confirm macam air terjun nanti.
But for now yeah, I'm good.

- 2017 -
Wanted to stop eating rice but I dunno sama ada I can take that challenge.
I also want to be extra clever with my finance.
Go holiday as much as I can.
Get to know a lot of people.
Be extra careful in love.

Yeah, I guess that's it. Hopefully 2017 brings me happiness and makes me forget 2016 bad memories.

xoxo

MOOD = HEARTBROKEN Part 2

Hey peeps! On my last post I ada cerita pasal sekarang ni musim heartbroken. Biasalah nak hujung-hujung tahun ni terasa sunyi dan keseorangan jek. hehehe.. Anyway previous post was lagu Malay atau Indon untuk kali I list out english songs yang menyentuh luka cinta pergghhh ayat!!


1. All Cried Out - Allure ft 112

Lagu ni memang wajib dengar. Sbb it's like a dialogue of a couple arguing sebab dorg berputus. Yang pompuan ni marah yang laki ni plak tetiba tersedar tapi jeng jeng jeng. Hang pi dengar la lagu ni.

"I gave you my love in vain. My body never knew such pleasure. My heart never knew such pain.

And you, you leave me so confused. Now I'm all cried out over you"

2. Don't Speak - No Doubt

Don't speak is one of the legendary songs of accepting the reality that you broke up. It's also no doubt representative song I may say. 

"Don't speak. I know what you're thinking. I don't need your reasons. Don't tell me cause it hurts

I know what you're saying so please stop explaining. Don't speak"

3. Wish You Were Here - Avril Lavigne

This song is not really the crying type but I sure it will makes your memories with him pop up back. When you're going to a phrase where you suddenly miss him. I came across to this song when I was missing him and the lyrics really hits me. I did tear up but manage to control. 

"All those crazy things we did. Didn't think about it, just went with it.

You're always there, you're everywhere. But right now I wish you were here"

4. Gone - N'Sync

When you trying to figure out dimana, bila and bagaimana semua ni berlaku. You want to rewind everything but nope that's not going to happen. 

"I've been sitting here. Can't get you out my mind. I've tried my best to be a man and be strong.

I've drove myslef insane which I could touch your face but the truth remains you're gone"

5. Incomplete - Backstreet Boys

Bila you went through a phase that you can't believe it's over. This song really puts you in much more hell than ever. You cuba untuk teruskan hidup like nothing happen tapi rupanya lebih susah dari biasa. I never went through something like this sebab most of the time I broke up sebab there's no "zing" (macam Hotel Transalvania). We agreed to putus. But if he or she suddenly left you oh my! I tak bole imagine. 

"I'd try to go on like I never knew you. I'm awake but my world is half asleep.

I pray for this heart to be unbroken but without you all I'm going to be is incomplete"

6. Ahora Quien - Marc Anthony

I know this is not english but the song really argghhh!!.. Ahora quien means now who? meaning who is it now you're going to deceive or who is it now you're going to lie something like that. It really suits to girl or guy who have been cheating around.

The video above was subbed by me. I'm not so sure if it's 100% correct. I read more then 5 translation of the lyrics and rewrite sentence for more poetic feeling. hehehe..

Here's all six songs that I recommend to listen when you having a heart break or mental breakdown because of love. Wish you all will bounce back from all this sadness. Next will be korean songs. Oh my I'm sure it's not easy for me to choose. Korean is very good with heart breaking music. TTFN peeps!

MOOD = HEARTBROKEN

Hey peeps! Was browsing the net yesterday looking for heartbreak songs tapi lagu tak berapa menarik. You know it's that time of the year where loneliness attack you. So I thought of doing a list of songs tak kisah la melayu ke english ke korean ke kan. So ni antara lagu-lagu yang bagi me sangat feel kalo tengah mood sedih bercinta. Tapi for today I only do Malay/Indon sahaja.

Malay/Indon (Susunan Ikut Suka)

1. Mendua - Astrid

Lagu ni very straight forward. First time dengar lagu ni masa dalam karaoke. Ada orang nyanyi nak plak time tu memang tengah dalam mood sedih dengan boyfriend. Lirik dia terus buat air mata bergenang okay.

"Kau putuskan tuk mendua dengan dia di belakangku. Padahal aku pilih kamu jadi cinta terakhir"

2. Kisah Kita - Nieyl ft Sabhi Saddi

Siapa yang impikan cinta berakhir dijinjang pelamin tapi terputus lagu ni sangat sesuai. It really strikes at the heart and pasti akan tersentuh luka tu.

"Semua akan tahu segalanya kau dan aku ternyata cuma sebentar. Cinta telah berakhir. Kita tak mampu jadikannya cinta sebenar"

3. Setelah Aku Kau Miliki - Shima

"Jelmaan yang mendatang, meragut menggoda membenam binasa cinta. 

 Aku di genggaman. Engkau lepaskan kerna memburu khayalan mu."

I sure this song is all time favorite. Everybody can relate to the lyrics.

4. Andai Kau Mengerti - Vince Chong

I mengaku I was Vince big fan but this song is just super sedap. When you heartbroken and wondering what happened, this song memang sesuai.

"Pernahkah kau tahu hatiku padamu. Kasih yang menghilang dalam dakapan mesramu"

5. Cinta dan Benci - Geisha

"Sungguh aku tak bisa, sampai kapanpun tak bisa membenci dirimu"

True, that from cinta nak tukar benci bukan nya senang. U still loves him and yet you hate him too. 

6. Hanya Ingin Kau Cinta - Hafiz

"Kau tinggalkan diriku dalam air mata tanpa kau merasakan sakit yang ku rasa.

Sungguh terlalu dirimu, kekasih. Biar aku pergi tanpa sisa cinta"

This is my favorite heartbroken songs. Tapi rasanya ada banyak jek. Maybe I'm more to lyrics. Sebab bila lyrics tu kita bole relate automatically air mata jadi air terjun. Hehehe..!! So my next post maybe on english heartbreak songs. Jangan sedih-sedih sampai memudarat diri. Sedangkan sedih tu tak dapat bagi kita sebarang jawapan pun. Love ya peeps!!

December = Engagement Day

Hey smaxy blog of mine. It has been a long time I post anything here. I so anticipating this coming December. Why? Remember my previous post on 34 days since he left? Yup, I have set the date for my engagement. 24th December 2016!!! woohhoooo!!! He will be out in 2 weeks. Really missing him badly.

Masa mula-mula I discuss with my boyfriend I chose to do simple. Tapi bila dah tengok gambar-gambar online I became greedy. And then I jadi bride-zilla. Biasalah orang control freak memang macam ni. Bukan apa, I felt like nobody on my side. Macam kita buat sendiri jek. They know my taste yet they bagi advice base on their taste. So not helping!!! It's not easy untuk buat decision so I need someone who know my taste and bagi ideas yang I bole relate and suka. Not on what you prefer. I jadi geram, feel nobody help me and give up. Nasib la I tak give up on bertunang. hahaha.. Bila Ii tengok my friends or cousins yang dah bertunang or berkahwin I recall balik during their days. Parents dorang yang uruskan tetapi me? I feel so alone with my boyfriend not here so I have to do everything on my own yet I got criticize. Nobody support my choices. I really remembered that I cried at my boyfriend one night. Thanks to him I feel a little better. From there I stop doing every search or survey.

Tiba-tiba dah bulan Ogos!! Ada 4 bulan jek lagi. Baru la nak pergi cari kain bagai. Itu pun I still didn't send to tailor. Merajuk betul hati ni. Ada juga la rasa malas. Entah maybe sebab boyfriend tak da kat sini so rasa macam kita sorang-sorang jek yg nk bertunang, huhu~ baru-baru ni I search on pinterest for inspiration board on colors.

credit: ElegantWeddingInvites Pinterest

My theme would be Emerald Green & Peach. Idea ni datang bila I went to Kamdar Puchong. I saw beautiful emerald green lace and thought hey why don't I choose green. My boyfriend wore green for Raya. So I used his color for mine e-day. Tak payah la die nak beli baju baru. Pakai jek baju tu. hehe!~ I thought of pink or blue for my family. Ibu said asyik-asyik color biru and pink jek. Because those 2 colors we wore for Raya. I thought nak jimat duit for them supaya tak payah beli baju. But Ibu still nak buat baju baru. Excited! So Ibu chose peach. That's how emerald green & peach is my theme. I search in pinterest and thought it was a good choice. I'm not designing any highclass baju for tunang. Just a simple baju kurung moden but using lace and some added sequins.

Similar to the above picture except that my lining is way much more lighter color. I'm not going for bold this time. I need to be sweet right for my e-day. hahah!!~ My friend has a regular tailor so she recommend me to send there but I still didn't go yet. Maybe end of this month. I'm not going to wear tudung and not sure about veil too. If I'm going to wear veil I will be DIY. I found one for my inspiration.

For hair I would obviously ask my bff to do it for me. She is my hairstylist after all. I found a few bridal braid that I like with a simple accessory but if I'm going to wear veil then no accessory. I prefer sweet and simple braid as my hair is thin and short. Thought of simple low bun but my bff scold me saying no simple. hahaha!~ As for make up I will be doing it myself. I've been searching in youtube for ideas and new eye shadow pallet. Oh gosh! I need to buy new brushes, new eye shadows colors and foundation too. I used Covo but I can't find the store anymore in pyramid. Anyone knows where they move? I watched Sendayu Tinggi make up tutorial online. Their product is good but not suitable with my skin. Their foundation is cream base while my skin is dry, redness and big pores. So I prefer liquid but I think I'm gonna try it. hahaha!~ I even bought Meet Matte Nude from The Balm eye shadow. The only things I need to buy now are Urban Decay eye primer, eye shadow brushes, concealer brushes and blending brushes. Hopefully the result will be pretty and sweet.

I don't have any big plan for pelamin. So I just use my aunt's chair and renting some props to enlighten that area. I found Pelamina.co IG and check out their prices. It's quite affordable and really recommend it. I'll rent 2 white vase with flowers and white carpet.

Untuk hantaran I dah minta my boyfriend not to give any expensive things. Make it 3 by 3. I hanya sediakan cake, chocolates and fruits and asked him the same. Selalu sebelah lelaki cukup dengan cincin, tepak sirih and cake or whatsoever. Bila nak nikah nanti baru kita buat hantaran all out. hehehe!!~

Bagi cincin pula I said to him that I suka solitaire but it would be too much for bertunang. Maka I cakap kalau solitaire dia mampu masa nikah jangan bagi cincin. Kita tukar bagi rantai atau gelang. Takda lah penuh jari I kan. hehe!~ tapi kalo mahal kita beli yang biasa sahaja macam eternity ring.

Sample of Solitaire Ring

Sample of Eternity Ring

Besides than all the above, I also list what should I do for myself before E-Day.

1) Hair Management - Treatment
2) Facial Spa - Whitening, Scrub
3) Dentist - Scaling
4) Manicure & Pedicure - Cuci kuku

Hopefully I dapat buat semua ni before my E-Day.

Till here and see you in next post!!

Sekarang tengah mood lagu cinta.. Rindu dekat dia!!~ Sabar ada 2 minggu jek lagi.. hehe

9D8N in Seoul but ...

2016 May 10th, Tuesday - Hi peeps! I just got back from Seoul. Yes again! It's like my second home. I may not be able to fly back to Seoul next year. This time my saving is for my wedding ** I can't believe I type this**.

I depart on April 30th, 1 a.m by Air Asia. I swear I will never ride Air Asia to Seoul again. Air Asia is not an option anymore for me. Sitting next to my sister with me being an oversize is like putting me in a box. My leg cramped and my back hurt. If MAS does not has any promotion to ICN, my next option will be Vietnam Airline. If not, travel in Malaysia. The 6 hours and 20 minutes journey was exhausted. Not only that, Immigration took longer than before. I was queuing for almost 2 hours. Arrived guest house and check in then straight to Yoogane for brunch. We got too excited and forgotten about our jet lag. Head back to guest house and baaammmm!! Bye world Hello La La Land!.

We have no itinerary except directions. We have no plans except shopping. I stayed at Namsan 5 and it's not good for me. Namsan 5 located few blocks before Namsan 1. It's still okay at the first hill around Namsan 2. The uphill started at Namsan 4 and after that. Oh my! We shopped daily to prevent extra weight carrying to the guest house. The guest house has new service now such as free pick up service. I asked Junsu regarding it and he gladly drove us to Lotte Mart near the Seoul Station. He picked us up at the time I asked him to. We shopped like crazy of one full trolley. Not as crazy as Singapore trip (2 full trolleys). From rich to poor as fast as that. KRW 200,000 out from our wallet just like that. hahaha... We spent the rest of our time in the room or just roaming around Myeongdong. I bought lots of skin care, make up and foooodddd!!

9D8N for shopping is too long so next time 5D4N is enough. Oh and Seoul got expensive. No more face mask sales 10+10 = KRW 10,000. The cheapest I found was 20pcs KRW 30,000 for good mask. Tony Moly mask I used to bought cost KRW 50,000 for 20pcs. **Not worth it** I bought the normal face mask cost at KRW 20,000 for 20+20 brand HolikaHolika. That's the only worth for money face mask. First day I bought wrinkle pumper from The Saem I quite regret. It cost me KRW 50,000 for one. I thought the sales girl said it cost KRW 50,000 1+1 but noooooo it cost KRW 100,000 for 1 and free 1. I only get snails cleanser for freebies. What happen to showering us with freebies? Quite piss because RM350 burn for wrinkle pumper. I wonder how much will it cost in Malaysia? It is a good product because it helps to reduce my eye bag and my skin moisture around my cheeks. At the end I bought two snails cleanser, one for me and one for my MIL.

Most of the time I search for makeup because I need to make up myself on my E-Day. Looking for the perfect foundation, concealer and eye shadow. Wanted to buy the CLIO Air Wear but bought the wrong one. No sweat because what ever tools or product I'm using I confident with my make up skills. (hehehe) Bought Missha Magic Cushion and it's worth it. It cost me around RM50 while they sell RM160 here in Malaysia. **triple**

Not much going on in Seoul except for fooooddd!! I ate a lot and I gain weight plus belly. I need to drink my Acai Berry back. So bye bye food hello Acai Berry. Working tomorrow so bye bye for now.

* I can't wait for July 1st. He will be home for 10 days*

34 days since he left.

It has been 34 days since he went to camp. At first, I never thought I will end up like this. Like this like how? Missing him too much, going crazy staying at home or crying over funny video.
That's when I realize I love him so much. Between that 34 days, we even set date to engage. I never thought about engagement or wedding. But him, he able to open my heart on marriage and making me all flutter when he said about getting engage. At first I was skeptical. Been hearing about getting married from his mouth since day 1 I couple with him. This time he said, it's serious. He asked to me to discuss with my mom and so does he too with his mom. 3 days later he called and asked. Well, my mom been joking about it way before he ask me so it doesn't even surprise her anymore. I've set the date! 8 months from now, I'll be someone fiancee. Engagement = $$$$$ = headache

I suddenly thought of writing ~

34 days since he left... I realized where my heart stands
34 days since he left... I realized I have fall in love with him
34 days since he left... I realized what missing is like
34 days since he left... I realized what loves mean
34 days since he left... I realized what true longing is
34 days since he left... I realized why love can makes us go crazy
34 days since he left... I realized I need him more than before
34 days since he left... I agreed to engage with him....

Day 1 - I let him go..

13.03.2016, Sunday - 12.05 pm, it was the last called. I wake up early as he promised to call and update me before he enter. He keep saying 6 months is one short term to me but that word was actually to comfort himself. He called and remind me about how he will be missing me. He also said that all the things the he brought was the one that I shop with him. He put our ring in his wallet so that he will carry it all the time even under the sun. My letter and pictures are all in the bag. Then he said, "Please take care of yourself. Don't ever skip on meal. Take care of Ibu, En. Bear and his laptop.  I will return in 6 months. Once I have permission to call, I'd give you a call. Please don't cry. Be strong. Umi gave you an advice to be strong. If you want to be an police officer wife you have to learn to be strong. Dont' worry Umi will tag you in any of my pictures. I love you. And where's my kiss?" that was our last conversation.

**typing this makes me crying but when he said it to me on phone I just smile and nodded**

During the last few days we spend together, we talked about out first met. Reminiscing how it all started, when does this love exists and grow and our like & dislike. What is our plans and future will be like. Promises were made between us and words that we aren't able to say were all said within that night. He even admit on not ready to let me go. He said I was his strength and now to let me go is far from ready. If I collapse so does he, therefore he asked me to be strong and willingly let him go. I asked him where is the guy that was so passionate and eager when he got accepted into the academy. Where is the guy that so happy sharing all the activities that he will be doing in the academy. Where is the guy that so upset when the registering date had to be postponed. I asked him again, where? If you have lost your passionate, eager and happy how am I supposed to let you go. I'm always here and will wait for you. You need to prove it to everyone and it's for our future too. Don't you remember you want me to be proud of you becoming a police officer? I want you to be my man. I promise again on what I said before. I try for our relationship.

I really thank Allah for giving us chances to spend more time together. If the date was not postponed I don't think I will be able to feel this deep love and yearning for him. Because of him, I able to open my heart to move on to the next level in relationship. For that I thank him. The thoughts of me getting married never occur in my mind but now I think I'm ready. Thank you sayang for making me feel really special. Thank you sayang for accepting who I am and what I am. Thank you for loving me like there's no tomorrow. Thank you for pampering me a lot. There is to many to thank and I can't even write it all out.

Sayang, you know how I like to jokes when you ask if I love you or not. You don't know how big this love has grow. I'm afraid to admit that I love you so much. I'm afraid of saying it because I might lose you. I fear of the upcoming hurt and scar that might not even exists. Believing in your words is what I really true wants but I need to realize that the reality might hit me hard. Even when I write this post I'm in tears. Not knowing your well being for the next 6 months is a torture for me. I know I gave you my word that I'll be strong. It's okay to cry right? Hoping everything will go smooth, I wish you all the best. I will wait for you.

Love you a lot,
Layna.

Preparing for another 16 days

16 days. I have 16 days to spent time with him. Will I be able to let him go?

Everyday, every day we meet and spend time together. At first, he was supposed to leave in January but maybe Angel of Love is on our side, the training has been postponed in March.

I know him for 2 weeks before we start couple. Trying out just for fun end up we take it serious. Thanks to the postponed, I got to know him a little..no wait.. a lot better actually. Alhamdulillah, our chemistry is good.

In this almost 3 months relationship, I already fall in love with him deeply. He really open my heart to get married with his plans and what he wants us to be like. So that's when I decided to accept his plans. I still remember he used to say if I can wait for him till he turns 30. Then later, it change to 27 and this time 25. I decided to give a 3 years time frame for me to save up money and for him to built up his career & financial.

Plus Angel of Love is on our side again because his training ends in early that the usual. This is the first time I felt everything went smoothly. I've met his family on the way to Raub and yet his mother already announce to everyone about daughter-in-law. I'm glad that their family accept the fact that I'm older that him (more than 5 years) and his father encourage him to married first. He said his mother been telling people about me. I take it as a blessing to our relationship. I know my side has no problem.

So I have 16 days left to spend time with him. Thankfully that I didn't have to send him at the camp base. It will be disaster I think. Flood, tsunami, storm or all the hazardous will be arrive at the same time. hahahaaa..

I do wonder how will I be in 6 months? How am I? What will I do? Time will answer it all.

XOXO,
Layna.

2016 brings new smile

                                    

2016!!!!!

Another year has passed and 2015 didn't received anything new, Anyway, life goes on and here I am. This year I start my year with a big fat smile. Who gonna thought that love find it ways through me. 

I never thought I will fall in love again. Because the truth was I lost my faith and I felt tired of it. End up pushing every little chances away. But him? He came without even me knowing. He was just an attraction for my boring life. 

I first met him when I accompanied my sister. Second was on my eldest sister birthday party at karaoke. After the party, he gave me a ride to the venue for supper. That place where all of this started. With just a simple snobbish sentence me and him are side by side. We had nothing much in common and we lovingly joking a lot. Showing who's better at flirting and cheesy words. Then look now! We date for real.

This time it's different. I braze myself and confess. Asking our real feelings and status. I can say changes in my attitude a lot and taking things a different way. Maybe we compliment each other? who knows right?

Every happiness must have some torn along the way. I never quarrel with him or anything it's just that people surrounding us. I guess that is what I have to deal for if I want him right?

Anyway I hope 2016 is a new journey for me and maybe lead to a different destination too. As he said hoping me to to be his last and till forever, I secretly hope that too. I'm taking it seriously this relationship. No more flirting others for me. I'm praying that he is the one and will be my last one too.

A letter to me:-

Dear Layna,

You turn 29th now. You even find a new love in the very beginning of the year. It's rare. Remember that! Remember how your heart slowly opens and accept the love. Remember how your heart melt the way he treats you. Remember how your love blooms so fast. Don't mess up this time. Don't let go even if you have too. Chin up and suck it up! You have to be strong. Go through any hardship as a mature thinker. Don't ever fall into satan trap of emotions. Close your eyes, remember the love that you built and remind yourself to be happy is not easy. Take care of your health. Love yourself.

                                                                                                    Love, Layna.